My good friend Perry gave this to me and these will be my rules in about 16 years. I don’t know where he got it, so my apologies for not recognizing the source. If you made this… I salute you. I dread the day that I might have to setup an electrical fence and a foxhole in our backyard. It is hard to be a dad to a pretty little thing.
10 of Daddy’s Rules for Dating
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d
better be delivering
a package, because you’re sure not picking
anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You
may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter’s body, I
will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for
boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don’t take this as an
insult, but you and all
of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I
want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and
your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact
come off during
the course of you date with my daughter, I will
take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world,
sex without
utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can
kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the
barrier, and I will kill
you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to
get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and
other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from
you on this subject is: early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine
with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no
one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you
cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not
sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you
should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don’t you do something
useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or
anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there is
darkness. PLaces
where there is dancing,holding hands, or
happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
introduce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic
or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which features chain
saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues
relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of
your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little
for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in
over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange starts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell
me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the
car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in
a clear voice that you have brought my daughter
home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no
need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window
is mine.
